Well, if you ask me,
I'd say too many times to count on my fingers. And when we give up, we blame
life and curse circumstances. We dig up every possible excuse to keep ourselves
from not doing things that are out of our comfort zone. We give up as soon as
we sense danger. But for how long can we put our hands up and just let things
be? No matter what you do or don't, life will eventually catch up.
Setting an inspiring example to
take things in your own hands no matter what the situation is, is Mumbai-based
Natasha Noel.
From having a troubled childhood
to finding her peace in yoga, and becoming a yogini, a dancer, a health
enthusiast and a lifestyle blogger, Natasha's journey was hard but every time
she fell, she stood back strong.
"My birth mother committed
suicide. I watched her burn herself. I was three and a half and I can still see
flashes of my mother’s burning face in pain and her screams which keep me awake
on most nights. It’s like a recording I can never pause. If I block out the
imagery the cries haunt me. But now I’m learning not to victimize myself. I
know I had nothing to do with that even though the first half of my life I
spent hating myself because I blamed myself. I blamed myself for her death.
There was a part of me that thought I caused it. I felt that I could help but I
didn’t. I realize that I had no control over this."
When Natasha was 7, she was
abused by a male servant whose mother even went on to ask her to run away with
him and get married. She was 7! An age when most kids are playing with Barbie
dolls and racing their mini cars. Unfortunately, this wasn't a one off
incident. Till the age of 15, she was molested and abused by uncles, cousins,
brothers and sisters.
"I played the victim card
for far too long for most of my life. When we go through something difficult,
we feel the world is against us. I felt worthless. I was so disgusted that I didn’t
even want to look into the mirror. Disgusted is a far simpler word to describe
what I was feeling then. I felt grotesque."
"It's like you feel so ugly
that you want to simply cut parts of your body. Then maybe you’ll feel better
or maybe so that you can just not feel the pain which is internally eating you
up. And you start cutting. You try to cut the fat from your body. You start
loathing yourself. You become insecure. You isolate yourself. You stop
listening to yourself and you start taking other people’s opinions into
consideration. Bit by bit, you allow people to take pieces of you. You get
pulled into this dark void."
"It becomes difficult for
you to trust, to communicate with other humans. Accepting love from people who
mean well becomes difficult as well. Forget accepting love, if you can’t love
yourself how can you ever believe anyone can love you? And if someone’s being
genuinely nice to you, you will always believe that there’s an ulterior motive.
Because you believe that you can’t feel, breathe, touch or even come close to
happiness."
"I sat in my bathroom crying
with blood smeared on the floor."
"With scars on my body that
I can cover up. With the pain eating me alive. Where I lost all hope. I was
constantly emotionally, mentally and physically drained. I was the walking
dead. I did things because I had to. Everything became mundane and mediocre.
Every morning I got up with the thought of 'What is the purpose of life?'"
By the age of 17, Natasha had
started dancing. But when she was in the second year of her college, she had a
major fall. Despite being advised a week's rest, Natasha went on to dance
because she hated the very idea of resting or merely walking. After all, there
was so much to do, so much to achieve, she thought. Unfortunately, that didn't
go too well for her as she tore her meniscus and corneal muscles and had liquid
in her knee and had knee cap tears as well.
"Even in my darkest of
experiences, I never lost the hope to live. I always said that’s one thing I would
never do. I would never kill myself. Because that doesn’t change anything. I
felt that constantly bad things were happening and NOTHING good was ever
happening. In pain and broken. I’ve been trying to fix myself ever since. I’ve
been fighting ever since. I’ve been fighting just trying to breathe. Just
trying to survive. But that’s not the purpose of life, to simply survive. The
purpose is to live. To live it to the best to your ability. To live
wholeheartedly. TO LIVE."
She had been drinking and smoking
since she was 15 but it escalated when her 5-year-long relationship ended. She
gained a lot of weight and had to deal with the additional torture of stretch
marks and cellulite. She couldn't exercise, so she gave up junk food and
started eating healthy. Finally beginning to heal herself from all the pain and
the hurt.
"For so long I was running
away from my wounded child. I was just repressing my emotions and destroying
myself piece by piece. In each of us, there is a young, suffering child. We
have all had times of difficulty as children and many of us have experienced
trauma. To protect and defend ourselves against future suffering, we often try
to forget those painful times."
And this is when she started
teaching herself yoga. She bought books, saw videos and finally got a
certificate as a yoga teacher after learning it professionally.
"Now I am I learning to
witness the emotions and not be attached to the anger or pain or joy that
enters my heart. I’m learning to be an observer and not be attached to the
feelings. I’m learning that it’s okay not to be strong all the time. I’m
learning to be my own friend. And most days it’s so difficult to even get out
of bed. Most nights I can’t stop crying. Sometimes I do feel numb and these are
the times when I remind myself that I’ve come a long and there is still a long
way to go."
Today, she not only practices
yoga but also teaches dance yoga to people. Her Instagram posts are full of
positivity and are a sweet reminder that if you fight for yourself, life will
fight for you too.
"This is why I write, this
is why I teach, this is why I even post on Instagram. To just to give hope.
Hope that you are not alone. That whatever situation you are in however
horrible, you will come out if it. A better version of you. And if you allow
time to heal you, you will understand that everything happens for a reason and
that you survived and then you start living again."
Her advice to anyone who's been
through similar situations?
"Be so open that you’re vulnerable and it doesn’t matter what people think or say about you because you’re being God damn truthful about what you want. I write with my heart and emotions. Sometimes it’s extremely painful, sometimes it’s all laughter. But they are my thoughts. They are my experiences. They are what have brought me here today. Stronger and more confident. And I believe that’s what the world needs to be just more open, more honest, more vulnerable and genuine. Because then what can hurt you?"
Natasha, you are the kind of hero
that our generation needs today! More power to you.
You can show her some love here
on Instagram.
All pictures are the property of
Natasha Noel and have been reproduced with permission.
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