5
years ago, I made a decision that changed my life forever. As I stepped my foot
in Bollywood, it opened doors of massive popularity for me. I started to become
the prime candidate of public attention, I was projected as the gospel of the
idea of success and was often identified as a role model for the youth.
However, that’s never something that I set out to do or become, especially with
regards to my ideas of success and failure, which I had just started to explore
and understand.
As
I complete 5 years today, I want to confess that I am not truly happy with this
identity i.e my line of work. For a very long time now it has felt like I have
struggled to become someone else. As I had just started to explore and make
sense of the things to which I dedicated my time, efforts and emotions and
tried to grab hold of a new lifestyle, it was only for me to realise that
though I may fit here perfectly, I do not belong here. This field indeed
brought a lot of love, support, and applause my way, but what it also did was
to lead me to a path of ignorance, as I silently and unconsciously transitioned
out of imaan. While I continued to work in an environment that consistently
interfered with my imaan, my relationship with my religion was threatened. As I
continued to ignorantly pass through while I kept trying to convince myself
that what I was doing is okay and isn’t really affecting me, I lost all the
Barakah from my life. Barakat is word whose meaning isn't just confined to
happiness, quantity or blessing, it also focuses on the idea of stability,
which is something I struggled with extensively.
I
was constantly battling with my soul to reconcile my thoughts and instincts to
fix a static picture of my iman and I failed miserably, not just once but a
hundred times. No matter how hard I tried to wrestle to firm my decision, I
ended up being the same person with a motive that one day I will change and I
will change soon. I kept procrastinating by tricking and deluding my conscience
into the idea that I know what I am doing doesn’t feel right but assumed that I
will put an end to this whenever the time feels right and I continued to put
myself in a vulnerable position where it was always so easy to succumb to the
environment that damaged my peace, iman and my relationship with Allah . I
continued to observe things and twist my perceptions as I wanted them to be,
without really understanding that the key is to see them as they are. I kept
trying to escape but somehow I always ended up hitting a dead end, in an
endless loop with a missing element that kept torturing me with a longing I was
neither able to make sense of nor satisfy. Until I decided to confront my
weakness and began to strive and correct my lack of knowledge and understanding
by attaching my heart with the words of Allah. In the great and divine wisdom
of the Quran, I found sufficiency and peace. Indeed the hearts find peace when
it acquires the knowledge of Its Creator, His Attributes, His Mercy and His
commandments.
I
began to heavily rely upon Allah’s mercy for my help and guidance instead of
valuing my own believability. I discovered my lack of knowledge of the basic
fundamentals of my religion and how my inability to reinforce a change earlier
was a result of confusing my heart's contentment and well being with
strengthening and satisfying my own (shallow and worldly) desires. I discovered
my disease of doubt & error that my heart was afflicted with- There are 2
types of diseases that attack the heart, one; DOUBT and Error and the second;
LUST and Desire. Both are mentioned in the Quran.
Allah
says, “ In their hearts is a disease (of doubt & hypocrisy) and Allah
increased their disease. [Quran 2:10]. And I realized the remedy to this could
only be attained through the guidance of Allah and indeed Allah guided my path
when I lost my way. Quran
and the guidance of Allah’s messenger (PBUH) became the weighing factor in my
decision making and reasoning and it has changed my approach to life and it’s
meaning.
Our
desires are a reflection of our morals, our values are an externalization of
our internal integrity. Similarly, our relationship with the Quran and Sunnah
defines and sets the tone of our relationship with Allah and our religion, our
ambitions, purpose and the meaning of life. I carefully questioned the deepest
sources of my ideas of success, meaning and the purpose of my life. The source
code that governed and impacted my perceptions evolved into a different
dimension. Success isn’t correlated with our biased, delusional and
conventional shallow measures of life. Success is the accomplishment of the
purpose of our creation. We have forgotten the purpose we were created for as
we ignorantly continue to pass through our lives; deceiving our conscience.
“And That the hearts of those who don’t believe in the hereafter, may incline
to it (the deception) and that they may be well pleased with it and that they
may earn what they are going to earn, (and it’ll be evil). [Quran 6:113]
Our
purpose, our righteousness or terribleness isn’t defined by our selfish
consumption, it isn’t equated by the worldly measures. Allah says, “I swear (by
Al-Asr) by time (that’s running out). Verily, man is drowning in great loss,
with the exception of (a few) those who believe , do good deeds and call on
another to the way of truth and counsel one another to patience and
perseverance. [Quran 103]
This
journey has been exhausting, to battle my soul for so long. Life is too short
yet too long to be at war with oneself. Therefore, today I arrive at this
well-grounded decision and I officially declare my disassociation with this
field. The success of the journey is dependent on how you take the first step
and the reason why I am openly doing so is not to paint a holier picture of
myself but this is the least I can do to start afresh and this is just my first
step as I have arrived at the clarity of realisation of the path I wish to be
on and strive for and during this time I may have consciously or unconsciously
planted a seed of temptation in the hearts of many but my sincere advice to
everyone is that no amount of success, fame, authority or wealth is worth
trading or losing your peace or the light of your Imaan for. Strive not to
surrender to your desires for desires are infinite and always leap out ahead of
whatever has just been achieved. Do not deceive yourself or become deluded and
find believability in the self assured biased narratives of the principles of
deen-where one conceals the truth while knowing it or where one picks and
chooses to accept only what suits his situation or desires the best. Sometimes
we have deep flaw in our iman and we often cover it up with words and
philosophies. What we say is not in our hearts and we seek every manner of
excuse for clinging to it and indeed He is aware of the contradictions, He is
aware of all the thoughts unspoken for He is All-Hearing (As-Sami), the
All-Seeing (Al-Baseer), and the All-Knowing (Al-Aleem). “And Allah knows what
you conceal and what you reveal”. [Quran 16:19]. Instead of valuing your own
deceptive conviction, make genuine efforts to strive and discover and
understand the truth yourself with a heart full of faith and sincerity. “O you
who have believed, if you are conscious of Allah, He will give you the ability
to distinguish right from wrong”. (Quran 8:29).
Don’t
look for role models or measures of success in the displeasure of Allah and the
transgressions of His commandments. Do not allow such people to influence your
choices in life or dictate your goals or ambitions. The Prophet said, “A person
will be (raised on the day of Judgement) with whom he loves.” And do not become
arrogant to seek advice from the better informed but position yourself away
from your ego and arrogance and rely only on Allah’s guidance, indeed only He
is the turner of the hearts and the ones He guides, none can lead astray. Not
everyone has the conscience or the conscious to recognise the what we need to
know or change and hence, it is not for us to judge, abuse, belittle or mock
such people. It is our responsibility to make a positive impact by reinforcing
the correct understanding by reminding each other. “And remind, for indeed the
reminder benefits the believers” (Quran 51:55).
And
we must do so not by ramming facts down each others throats by abuse or hostile
behaviour or through violent disapprovals but it can only be done through
kindness and mercy that we can affect the people around us. [If you see that
one of you has slipped, correct him, pray for him and do not help the shaytan
against him by insulting or mocking him- Umar Ibn Al-Khattaab]
But
before we do that we must remember to exemplify Islam and it’s understanding
ourselves in our knowledge and in our hearts, actions, intentions and behaviour
and then use it to benefit the ones lack grasp on the fundamentals of the
religion in terms of understanding, beliefs and manners . And remember that
when you will start your journey or to find your ground in His Commandments-
you are going face hardships, resistance, ridicule or discomfort from others
and sometimes it can come from people who you love and are the closest to you.
Sometimes it can be because of how you have been acting previously or have
acted all your life, but do not let it discourage you or lead you to lose hope
in Allah’s mercy and guidance- for He is Al-Hādīy (The Guide). Do not let your
previous actions stop you from seeking repentance, know that He is Al-Ghafaar
(The repeatedly forgiving). Truly, Allah loves those who turn unto Him in
repentance and loves those who purify themselves. [Quran, 2:222]. Do not let
the judgement, ridicule, abuse, words or fear of people take you off from the
path of you wish to be on or stop you from expressing yourself to the fullest,
remember He is Al-Walīy the helper. Do not let the worry of tomorrow get in
your way to reassess your life, for he is Ar-Ražzaq (The Provider).
It
can be a tough, complicated and sometimes an unimaginably lonely path,
especially in today’s time but remember the Messenger of Allah (PBUH) said:
“There will come upon the people a time when holding onto the religion will be
like holding onto hot coal.”
May
Allah guide our boats to find its shore and help us to distinguish between
truth and deception. May Allah makes us strengthen us in our Imaan and make us
amongst the ones who engage in His remembrance and make our hearts firm and
help us to remain steadfast. May Allah give us a better understanding of His
wisdom and allow us to exhibit our efforts to alleviate doubt and error at
individual levels and guide each other. May Allah cleanse our hearts from
hypocrisy, arrogance and ignorance and rectify our intentions and grant us
sincerity in speech and in our deeds. Ameen
-Zaira
Wasim
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Thank you.